Something about that letter continued to resonate deeply. In fact, those words reverberated and bounced around my soul waiting for a place to land.
My sister framed them in her room and I kept going back to it. With every reading conviction gripped my heart deeper.
A love letter from God. Really? A love letter? To me?
In it He spoke of his love for me, his plans for me, and his desires for me. Well, that’s all lovely isn’t it? But there was more. Honestly, I didn’t want more. Not this kind of more anyway.
He asked for surrender. Real surrender. Surrender that meant sole satisfaction in Him. Yeah, I wasn’t too sold on that idea.
Quite frankly, I was pretty sure God’s great plans for me involved pain, loneliness, and a significant lack of pleasure. Who jumps on board for that?
But these words. Why did they move me so? They weren’t penned by the Spirit through inspired writers as the scriptures were. Should I believe them? Yet, truth is truth and these words shared truths my heart needed to hear.
God’s love and plans for my life are real and true. And good.
God’s desire for me to surrender and trust His love and plans for my life is real and true. And good.
Good. I needed to know that it was good.
My heart needed to know these things and believe them to the point of acting on them. God was whispering this message of love & surrender over and over again, even though I kept brushing it away.
I feared nothing good could come from giving up my pleasures, even though I certainly didn’t feel pleasure anymore. But I wanted to want surrender, because deep down truth told me only good would come from it.
So I started there, honest & real before the Father as I cried out. “Lord, I don’t really want you first in my life. I don’t really want to surrender completely. It feels hard. But I want to want it. Help me to want you more.”
And He did. In fact, he has every day since.
That day I struggled to surrender fully, but once those words came out I was soon ready to go deeper.
I still fight Him often as I tend to choose other things to make me happy, or someone else to love me the way I need. But that never works out, does it?
Thankfully He is so patient with me. He draws me back to Him and I find the painful experience of surrender to be sweetly rewarded with deep peace & joy.
He continues to remind me that surrender is worth it because He is real and true and good.
And it is, and so is He.
Jolene Underwood writes about “learning to live for Him with faith-filled eyes” at www.joleneunderwood.com. Through a number of trials she has been challenged to step forward with confidence in the faith she professed to have. Through fear and failure, God’s grace has broken through. She invites you to journey with her in this place where struggles are real and faith meets the Father.
Connect on Twitter/Pinterest/Instagram: @faith_eyes